Secular Spirituality

Tag: Community

  • It’s Okay to Miss Something You No Longer Believe In

    It’s Okay to Miss Something You No Longer Believe In

    A couple of years ago, I hosted a TikTok live and asked my audience a seemingly simple question: “What do you miss the most about religion?“

    Most of the people watching were atheists or people in various stages of religious deconstruction. The responses came almost immediately:

    “NOTHING!”

    “I don’t miss ANYTHING about religion!”

    The answers were very emphatic, sometimes almost indignant. You might have thought I’d asked whether they wanted to return to their old beliefs. But that was nowhere near my intention.

    I was asking because I wanted to better understand what religion had once provided for people, and what, if anything, they found themselves missing after leaving their religious communities and belief systems.

    But something interesting happened when I spoke with people individually and we explored the question a little more carefully. Those emphatic answers began to soften. In those one-on-one conversations, every person I spoke with eventually identified at least one thing they missed.

    Most people mentioned the community: having like-minded people nearby, or knowing there was someone they could call when they needed someone. Others missed the traditions, the music, or even the comforting feeling of always having an answer to life’s uncomfortable questions.

    That experience, and those conversations, have stuck with me.

    Because I wasn’t asking whether they wanted their religion back. I wasn’t asking whether they regretted leaving. And I certainly wasn’t asking if they thought their former beliefs might be true after all.

    I was simply asking whether something they once received from religion was missing from their lives today.

    My not-very-scientific answer, based on those conversations, appears to be yes.

    Or, at least, it’s a question worth exploring.

    Leaving Religion Doesn’t Erase Needs

    When people leave a religion, especially one that has caused them pain, they often feel pressure to reject everything connected to it. This reaction is understandable. If a belief system hurt you, disappointed you, or made you feel trapped, it can seem easier to see the entire experience as a mistake. But life is usually more complicated than that.

    Beliefs, relationships, traditions, and memories are not all the same thing. A person may stop believing a religion’s teachings while still valuing some of the experiences they had within it. Maybe they formed close friendships, found comfort during difficult times, or participated in meaningful traditions with their family. Those experiences do not suddenly become worthless just because their beliefs have changed.

    Many people feel like they need to prove they were right to leave. Sometimes this can lead to the idea that there was nothing good about their former religion. But rejecting that religion’s claims does not require rejecting every positive memory connected to it. It is possible to say, “I no longer believe this is true,” while also saying, “Some parts of my experience still mattered to me.”

    Think about other parts of life. A friendship that ends may still contain good memories. A school you attended may have had problems, but you may still have learned lessons there. In the same way, a religion can have played an important role in someone’s life even if they no longer accept its teachings.

    Recognizing the good does not erase the bad. It does not excuse harmful actions or invalidate the reasons someone chose to leave. Instead, it allows people to be honest about their full experience. Human lives are rarely simple enough to fit into categories of “all good” or “all bad.”

    And recognizing what we miss can tell us something important about what we still need. If we miss community, perhaps it’s time to find or build new connections. If we miss traditions, perhaps we can create our own. If we miss having answers to difficult questions, perhaps we can learn to find comfort in exploring those questions together, even when the answers remain uncertain.

    The beliefs surrounding an experience don’t have to be true for the experience itself to have been meaningful. Experiences can shape who we are, influence our growth, and leave lasting memories, regardless of whether the beliefs connected to them are correct.

    You do not have to defend your decision to leave by pretending there was nothing worth loving about what you left behind. Acknowledging the value of certain experiences is not a betrayal of your choice. It is simply an honest recognition of your past and the role it played in making you who you are today.

  • Why Rituals Matter Without Magic

    Why Rituals Matter Without Magic

    At birthday parties across the United States, we place candles on cakes to celebrate another year of someone’s life. We sing a familiar song, encourage the person celebrating to make a wish, and watch as they blow out the candles.

    Of course, the candles don’t actually make someone a year older, and blowing them out doesn’t magically grant wishes.

    Yet we continue this tradition, passing it from one generation to the next. We celebrate birthdays with candles even when we don’t believe they possess any special powers.

    Why?

    Perhaps because we’re not really celebrating the candles or expecting our wishes to come true. We’re celebrating another year of someone’s life, sharing a moment with people we care about, and giving that moment a special significance.

    The actions themselves might seem unnecessary, but the experiences they create can be deeply meaningful.

    In a 2023 study, sociologist Jacqui Frost examined how members of a secular community called Sunday Assembly created meaningful rituals without religious beliefs. She found that participants adapted familiar religious practices and developed new rituals through experimentation, drawing on scientific ideas and shared human experiences.1

    Their experiences suggest that rituals don’t necessarily need supernatural beliefs to hold genuine meaning.

    A ritual doesn’t have to change the universe to change how we experience our place within it.

    What Makes Something a Ritual?

    A ritual is a structured, often repeated activity that carries symbolic meaning. Just like with birthday wishes, a ritual can be meaningful even when its actions don’t directly produce the outcome they’re intended to bring about.

    In a 2018 research review, psychologist Nicholas Hobson and his colleagues identified three core features that help distinguish rituals from ordinary activities.2

    Structured Actions

    Rituals often follow a specific set of steps performed in a particular order. These actions may be repeated in much the same way each time, with established rules about how they should be performed.

    Symbolic Meaning

    Rituals represent something meaningful to the people performing them. They may express respect, preserve traditions, reinforce community bonds, or reflect personal and spiritual values.

    Meaning Over Function

    Many rituals include actions that do not directly produce their intended results. These steps may seem unnecessary from a practical point of view, but they can hold significance because of what they represent.

    Think back to our birthday candles. Blowing them out doesn’t grant wishes, but the tradition still offers an opportunity to celebrate someone and share a meaningful experience.

    According to Hobson and his colleagues, rituals contain all three characteristics, although some may emphasize certain features more than others.

    Why Do Humans Create Rituals?

    Throughout history, people have created rituals to mark important moments, cope with uncertainty, celebrate accomplishments, and strengthen relationships.

    But why do these traditions matter so much to us?

    Hobson and his colleagues explored this question. They proposed that rituals serve three major functions: helping us manage our emotions, prepare for important tasks, and connect with others.

    Managing Our Emotions

    When life feels uncertain, rituals can offer a sense of familiarity and order.

    Think about someone lighting a candle in memory of a loved one, following a familiar routine before a stressful event, or gathering with family during a difficult time.

    Though these actions may not change the situation itself, they may change how we experience it.

    Researchers have found that anxiety can sometimes lead people to engage in more ritualistic behavior. The familiar steps of a ritual may help focus our attention, while its personal meaning may provide comfort or a sense of control.

    Rituals don’t always reduce anxiety or grief, but they can offer a meaningful way to respond to those experiences.

    Preparing for Important Moments

    Athletes sometimes follow the same routine before a competition, while performers might have a particular tradition before stepping on stage.

    These routines can help people prepare for important moments.

    Following familiar steps may help us focus our attention, feel more prepared, or approach a challenging situation with greater confidence.

    More research needs to be done about whether these effects reliably improve performance. But rituals can provide a sense of preparation and confidence, even when the actions themselves don’t directly influence the outcome.

    Bringing People Together

    Some of the most meaningful rituals are the ones we share. Birthdays, weddings, holidays, memorials, and community celebrations bring people together through familiar traditions.

    When people sing, dance, celebrate, or take part in shared activities, they may experience a stronger sense of connection and belonging. Sociologists describe the powerful feeling of shared emotion that can arise during group activities as collective effervescence.

    These experiences can remind us that we’re part of a community, connected to people who share our traditions, values, or experiences.

    The Other Side of Rituals

    Rituals aren’t always beneficial. The same traditions that bring people together can also create division. Shared rituals may strengthen loyalty within a group while making outsiders feel unwelcome or excluded.

    Rituals can also become sources of pressure when people are expected to participate in traditions that conflict with their personal values.

    This reminds us that a ritual’s value shouldn’t be judged only by how strongly it brings people together. We should also consider whether it respects individuals and how it affects those who participate.

    None of the potential benefits we’ve discussed requires supernatural beliefs. And that raises an interesting possibility: we can choose which traditions to preserve and create entirely new ones that reflect our own values.

    Making Our Own Rituals

    In her research on Sunday Assembly, Jacqui Frost observed that participants didn’t simply copy existing religious traditions. They experimented with new rituals, adapted familiar practices, and changed things that weren’t working.

    Even when a ritual didn’t go as planned, the experience could still be meaningful. Working together to create and improve shared traditions became part of what brought the community together.

    This offers an interesting possibility: We don’t have to inherit every ritual we practice. We can create new ones, preserve the parts of old traditions we value, and let go of practices that no longer serve us.

    Think about something in your life that already feels important. Could you mark that occasion in a meaningful way?

    Perhaps you could share a weekly meal without distractions, take an annual walk in memory of someone you loved, or write a letter to yourself at the beginning of each year.

    There’s no requirement to follow an established tradition. Start with something small. If it feels meaningful, keep it. If not, try something different. Your goal is to make room for the people, experiences, and values that matter to you.

    Perhaps birthday candles have been reminding us of that all along: the meaning comes from the moment we choose to celebrate.

    References

    1. Frost, J. (2023). Ritualizing nonreligion: Cultivating rational rituals in secular spaces. Social Forces, 101(4), 2013–2033. https://doi.org/10.1093/sf/soac042 ↩︎
    2. Hobson, N. M., Schroeder, J., Risen, J. L., Xygalatas, D., & Inzlicht, M. (2018). The psychology of rituals: An integrative review and process-based framework. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 22(3), 260–284. https://doi.org/10.1177/1088868317734944 ↩︎